For 15 years, i believed I was broken. Fractured bones and bruised tissue. My bones demineralized and dissolved. Ruins of a human.
For a decade i believed this because of a diagnosis handed to me by the military industrial complex to shift the blame of my multiple sexual assaults on to me being maladjusted -maladjusted thus deserving of objectification not maladjusted as a result of it…Because i was maladjusted, i was never to be trusted and therefore could not trust myself.
Despite the lessons from my family, my community, the radical upbringing of my adolescent years, i was still vulnerable to the systems built to keep me in my place. I was vulnerable to poverty and displacement and feelings of desperation for my survival and finding my place in the world. Why else would I have joined the military? I shaved my head to pay my rent and realized, shit, i can't do this every month. I needed to get serious. What could be more serious and stable than the well established military industrial complex...well the prison industrial complex, but being light skinned and groomed to be a good brown, that was less likely to be my path. In my disadvantages there are still privileges afforded me so long as i align myself with white supremacy. That's how I've survived thus far. I can't deny that fact.
I continue to benefit from the proximity i have with white folk and their power and privilege that I gain access to by being palatable.
The universe presented me with a number of clues and nudges after I left the military. Sadly my physical emotional and spiritual bodies and were too detached to hear and learn. It wasn't until I met my pup Kimbo in 2010 that the messages began to come in. It's been 8 years of lessons with him and many many adventures and more recently a trip to Oaxaca Mexico working with a group of brilliant healers that i was able to at last begin stitching my 3 bodies back together in balance and harmony. Much of who i thought i was and what i believed to be true has been shaken and challenged. For the first time, i am open to this shift and shuffle and willingly move with nimbleness to adjust to the new information.
It was not only my time in Oaxaca, that was merely the nudge i needed to let go of what i was holding on to. Beliefs, hard wired, about who and what i am in this vast world we bumble through. i have such tremendous gratitude to the community of people who made that trip possible. i learned to listen to myself. Listen to my body, consider my impact on my larger community, my environment and did inventory on what i could realistically hold, and what i needed to let go of in order to do the work that Spirit is calling me to do.
Upon my return from Oaxaca, i was gifted with a visit from my Mother. My mother, my creator, my teacher, my heart. we are one in the same and yet so very different. Being with my mother in my home and we cooked, and rested, and put our hands in the dirt together. My mother is why i am so strong and why i am relentless. Gratitude for my mother for reminding me that we must find lessons in even the most devastating of disappointments and look for the glimmers of hope.
After my mother left, i was gifted once again with an opportunity to do more healing. A prayer for connection to spirit and the plant medicine of my people - i had begun petitioning to the prince of flowers, Xochipili, for 3 years, was finally answered. The experience has forever changed me and at long last, i know exactly what i need to do to put myself back together. My spiritual and emotional body have finally resettled into my physical body. There are a lot of cobwebs here. I still have some decorating and cleaning to do.
When we heal ourselves, we can help to heal others. When we work to heal the generations of hurt before us we heal the generations of hurt ahead of us. When we work to reconcile our own transgressions to others and commit to do better we show others it is possible. This is what it means to be a good ancestor. We must do our work for ourselves and then for our community and further still, with our community. We must first begin with ourselves.
Healing isn't linear, healing is more like a spiral walk out from the center around and around again relearning what we thought we knew and seeing more and understanding more profoundly. Healing is suffering, healing takes time, and is different for every single being.
To you my dear community; Welcome to the beginning of your healing, the middle of your healing, the restart of your healing. Wherever you are on your journey. It is yours and only you know where it needs to go. If you choose, I can walk alongside you in that process and share with you the lessons in healing I have learned in this school called life. Now, more than ever i feel compelled to offer support to others who wish to invite support.
Thank you for those who have been teachers to me, cheerleaders, confidants, supporters, financial backers, spiritual backers, emotional dreamboats. Thank you, Tlazokamati, Gracias, Xtiuzu’u
All of our relations
photo credit: http://www.ebonygalluzzo.com
Gratitude to community that supports me in my efforts to reclaim knowledge and wisdom. Gratitude to be in both position of teacher and student. Healer and patient, Helper and Helped. Community is such a blessing.
I am embarking on a new journey that would not be possible if it were not for my beautiful community coaxing me to be brave and explore my potential. Flying Dogheart Warrior will begin making and selling Herbal Support blends in the form of tinctures soon and I want to thank all of my community for your support.
I am currently making custom blends for my patrons and their companion animals in their lives. I will continue to offer this service in addition to my new endeavor. I will be growing my own herbs and working to source with local farmers and will also wild craft (ethically of course).
We live in such a beautiful magical ecosphere here in Oregon and I want to honor that by making medicine from what grows here.
Noxtin Nomecoyotzin~ Solidarity to all our relations
Gratitude-Tlazokamati- to community and building. Gratitude-Tlazokamati- to time spent alone to recharge. i am so lucky to be where i am today. i have my basic needs met and i get to build in community in so many magical ways. It wasn't always this way. This is years, a decade at least, in the making. Like many indigenous, colonized people, my path has been winding and full of obstacles. some were self-made, but if we are to speak honestly, the majority of them were and are systemic.
we cannot live in north america and not acknowledge that we are on occupied land. we cannot move through this society built out of settler colonization, and not acknowledge the painful loss of those that suffered before us to make this place, this reality. many among us still suffer. this is the pain we must feel in order for us to heal. thank you for taking the time and making the space to feel it. it isn't enough for us to acknowledge and feel. we must act. we must do what we feel called to do to make it right. i invite you to join me in community to rebuild together.
today i ask you to join me in committing to acknowledge the festering sores inflicted on our ancestors, committed by our ancestors. examine the extent of the damaged rotting tissue and really understand how dire the conditions are. some parts will only need to be disinfected and patched up and allowed to heal, other parts may need scraping and packing and constant attention and monitoring to ensure infection doesn't set in again. some parts will need to be cut out all together, amputated.
are you ready to put the greater health of the whole ahead of the fear of missing a piece? we can't do this alone. nothing grows in a vacuum. we can't carry the burden alone. some among us have been doing more work than others of us. some of us need rest while others need to stretch past the poking stick and roll up their sleeves to dig deep into the mire.
Community is all around you. the people who live near you, who resemble you, your blood family and chosen family. i caution you to not limit yourself to community circles that are exclusively human. stretch and build community with the plants in your spheres and animals that share space not just in your home, but in your environment. consider your ally and accomplice pool to be bigger than us bipeds. consider how they play into your community, and how you are contributing to theirs. Are you doing more harm than good? sometimes taking care of a plant or animal can help us to better understand how we can better relate to our human counter parts. when we become stewards, we find out better our place and role and we can learn more.
tomorrow September 27th is the quarter moon, an opportunity for us to examine the contents of our containers and decide what we want to accomplish with what lessons we have accumulated this far into the year. be clear with yourself, concise with your intention and follow through.
Noxtin Nomecoyotzin~All of our relations~Solidarity